[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
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“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )