Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
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Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
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Morningbreath
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*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops