*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
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Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Remember folks 😂
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Geez man, take it easy.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?