so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
You Might Also Like
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
This is me
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs