Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
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13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Bread puns are on the rise!
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check