COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
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First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
idk what he going thru but i feel him