[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
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[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?