date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
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me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”