A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
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I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t