What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
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Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.