“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
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Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here