You Might Also Like
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.