What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
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Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there