Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
gentlemen, hear me out
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up