I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
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Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters