I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
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I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.