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I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
another case of gang violins
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
me: my friends:
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second