coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
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37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
me adding lol on a serious message
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos