home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
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there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Is your wife single?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*