Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
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interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Seems kinda suspicious
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]