BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
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Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Got ya covered
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free