They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
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i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
me irl
this came to me in a vision
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.