My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
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My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Just say no
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.