9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
You Might Also Like
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.