Most fashion shows these days…
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Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
😩😩😩
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
the council will decide your fate
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.