Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
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Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
A French press is when you hug naked
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing