*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
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“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.