wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
You Might Also Like
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
how many bears make up a bear minimum
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.