Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
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*limbos away from your hug*
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.