KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
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Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH