Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
You Might Also Like
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.