COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
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Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
the noise i just made