Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
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My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.