I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
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The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
thank god the sign was there
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.