Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
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The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
time machine? you mean a clock?
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
What
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal