[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
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me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?