Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
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90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.