If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
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I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes