I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
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umm…
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
a badder mouse