A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
You Might Also Like
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
My therapist after every session
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.