Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
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People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.