I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
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🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?