[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
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Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.