I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
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You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon