hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
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Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten