Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
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To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over