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oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?