Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
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[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it