Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
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If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
when nothing goes right… go left
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.