Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
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I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.