Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
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[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner